Doubt It Publishing @The Buffalo Small Press Book Fair

The show must go on!

While I'm not sure if I'll be able to attend or not due to work obligations, Doubt It Publishing will have a table at the event along with a catalog of books on sale at The Buffalo Small Press Book Fair.  Doubt It authors Mark McElligott (Random Thoughts From A Broken Mind) and David Waters (12 Priests & 3 Gnomes) will be at the event to hawk their wares, sign some books and meet and greet with attendees.  The boys will also have copies of If They Can't Take A Joke, Slapstick & Superego, Mockery and Poke The Scorpion With A Sharp Stick for sale. 

This will be the third year that Doubt It Publishing will participate in the event.  The Buffalo Small Press Book Fair takes place on Saturday, March 24th at the Karpeles Manuscript Museum in downtown Buffalo from noon-6 p.m.  For more information, feel free to visit:  http://www.buffalosmallpress.org/  

Buy our books already!

Tom Waters

Publisher, Author

Doubt It Publishing 

Spring Appearance Calendar for Random Thoughts From A Broken Mind and Mockery

While these appearances are far from final, here are the events we’re currently looking at for April through June.  When I add more dates, I’ll update this list.  Mark your calendars and get ready to laugh, folks!

Friday April 1st, 7 p.m. to midnight: Mockery Book Launch at Dee’s Firehouse, 4628 Broadway Ave., Depew 651-0711.  Reading and signing at 7 p.m. followed by a live performance by One Hot Minute (Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band) at 8 p.m.  First edition copies of Mockery by Tom Waters available for $15.

Saturday, April 16th, 7 p.m., Mockery Book Signing at Maryan’s, 4921 Broadway, Depew  683-0590.  Live musical performance by David Waters (Whiskey Suicide).

Tuesday, April 26th, 7:30 p.m.  Reading and Signing with author Tom Waters (Mockery) at the Lancaster Public Library, 5466 Broadway, Depew

Saturday, April 30th, 8 p.m. to midnight.  Tom’s Atomic Comic Giveaway! at Don’s Atomic Comics, 6354 Transit Rd., Depew 684-5981.  Buy a copy of Mockery by Tom Waters and get a free back issue.  Midnight madness discounts on graphic novels and collectibles.  Special Guests Josh Tonn (Costumed Crimefighter Comics, Stupid Funny Comics), Mark McElligott (Random Thoughts From A Broken Mind) and Kyle Kaczmarzcyk (The Red Eye, Pulp, Monster Matt’s Bad Jokes Volume I).

Saturday, May 7th, 7 p.m. to 10 p.m., Caz Coffee Café, 668 Abbott Rd., Buffalo 825-7806.  Reading and Signing with Tom Waters, author of the humor collection Mockery.

Thursday, May 19th, 7 p.m., Talking Leaves Books, 3158 Main St., Buffalo 837-8554.  Reading and Signing with Tom Waters, author of the humor collection Mockery.

Saturday, May 21st, 7 p.m. to 11 p.m. Mockery Book Reading and Signing at Stockman’s Tavern (9870 Transit Rd., Depew 688-9896) featuring Tom Waters with live music by musician Chris Squier.

Saturday, June 11th, 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.  Caz Coffee Café, 668 Abbott Rd., Buffalo 825-7806. Reading and Signing with Mark McElligott, author of the humor collection Random Thoughts From A Broken Mind.

Sunday, June 26th, 5 p.m. to 7 p.m.  Doubt It Publishing presents a book reading by Mark McElligott (Random Thoughts From A Broke Mind) and Tom Waters (Mockery) at Rust Belt Books (202 Allen St., Buffalo, 885-9535).  Admission is free, signed first editions of both books available.

Dick and Jane (an excerpt from my upcoming book Random Thoughts From A Broken Mind)

Apparently, rat urine is bad for you.
Okay, now onto the article (I like to be informative as well as entertaining). 

It's common knowledge that I have a thing for younger ladies.   The scientific term for this thing is 'penis'.   I've always hated the word penis.  My God, is there any word that could possibly make it sound smaller and less threatening?   Maybe the word 'prick', but even that sounds uncomfortable thanks to tetanus shots.   'You're gonna feel a prick.  You'll probably be sore for a couple of days'.  

When I hear the word penis, I think of that little flap of skin that hangs from a turkey's neck, or the dangler in the back of your throat.  Even the dangler has a more impressive name: Uvula.  If I were to say to you 'I'm gonna shove my uvula into you all the way up to my tonsils',  you'd know you were in for a pretty hectic evening.  But I digress, and I've typed the word penis far too many times, so let's visit the actual subject again shall we?

For whatever reason, I've had an enormous amount of luck with women in their late teens and early twenties.  I don't lurk high schools or malls, or in any way initiate these relationships.  They just kind of happen.  As a man about to turn 50, I've found that there is good deal of finesse involved in keeping pace with the energetic young women of the 21st Century.  I forcibly took a crash course in phone texting.  My problem is that I HATE abbreviating and LOATHE acronyms, for example, ROFLMAO!   And I'm sloooow. Typically I'll get a text from my girl.  'How R U?'   And seven more as I respond to the first one.  I'll get flustered as I spell out words I have no business using in a text (such as 'ambidextrous'), and I find myself rushing.  I hit send, and invariably find myself yelling, 'Oh My God,  I forgot the I before E rule! She's gonna think I'm fuckin' stupid!'  By the time I send the first response she's already sleeping with someone else. Young girls can make you feel young, but a lot of it's like babysitting.

There are pluses and minuses, and I've decided to tap the benefit of my experience and make a list for those of you considering this lifestyle.  A definite plus: you can sneak her into work on bring your daughter to work day.  Who'll know, right?

Drawback: Sometimes you have to cancel dinner reservations because she's grounded.  

Plus: At Denny's she eats free! 

Drawback: She can't go on any of the good rides at Disney Word.

Plus: Sex. I promise you'll learn stuff.

Drawback:  Taking her trick or treating is kind of demoralizing. There are others to be sure, but I don't want to take all the fun of discovery from you.  Just one last word of warning: turn your phone off at all business meetings because if she has a study hall, she's gonna call you.

Man Vs. Nature (an excerpt from my new book, Random Thoughts From A Broken Mind)

            Yesterday my daughter told me about a couple of news stories she heard recently that made her wonder about the human condition and how far it's fallen.  Apparently, a man was caught having sexual relations with a cow and was arrested for animal cruelty.  As you might guess, I've got a couple thoughts about this.  Could a case be made that the cow was asking for it by walking around in that leather outfit with her teats hanging out all the time?  I would think a savvy lawyer can clear this guy on that fact alone.  A good lawyer could at least get the charges reduced.  Animal cruelty?  Really?  Have you ever seen a bull's package?!   Animal disappointment is more likely.  In fact, unless the cow is currently reading this article, my guess is she isn't even aware she was raped.  

            Thanks to Michael Vick, we have established precedent for how this should be handled.  The farmer (I assume he was a farmer and not just stalking cows randomly) will not be allowed to play in the NFL from now on, and is never allowed to work in a supermarket deli. Petting Zoos are also a no-no.

            The other news story was strikingly similar, but it involved a young man and a small dog.  I won't go into details here because I don't have a vomit guard for my keyboard, but suffice it to say, after reviewing these stories I've come to the conclusion that women aren't keeping their end of the bargain.  Face it, the only thing that can drive a man into lusting after livestock is women completely dropping the ball so to speak.  

            The problem is that they love to look sexy.  A woman who has no interest in having physical relations with you will get up early to doll up.  They apply lipstick and mascara, eye liner, blush, they fuss with their hair for hours, they bathe in scented body oils and perfume and they wear something that accentuates their cleavage, legs, and butts.  They smile flirtatiously and sometimes they even wag their asses on purpose.  They have absolutely no interest in you whatsoever.  They just enjoy watching you squirm, knowing you'll spend too much time in the bathroom after they walk away.  So a guy who has been exposed to this daily finally says to himself, 'I need something soft and warm now. Ooh!  The neighbor has a Pomeranian!'  I'll never resort to bestiality, though, mainly because I'm big into foreplay and can't imagine kissing a cow, much less sucking on the inside of her thigh.

            All my life I've had an addiction to the female of the species (my species) and I do mean all my life.  For example, when I was around two years old my mother caught me standing in the back yard completely naked flirting with the woman who lived behind us.  I was up against our back fence flaunting my equipment and saying 'Hey baby!'  I was two!  The protection order was finally lifted earlier this year.

            When I was five or six, I was in my back yard with Michelle (a girl who lived across the street). We were bored and she said: "What do you want to do?" I said: "I know!  How about you pee on that brick?'  It was my subtle and shrewd way to get her pants off.  So she peed on the brick for me.  Michelle was a good sport.

            When I was seven, the other boys in the neighborhood wanted to play baseball, trucks, or army.  I was in the garage attic with Valerie.  We were just standing there staring at each other with our clothes off, which is still more fun than trucks any day of the week.

            I never understood why in first grade I would just stare at the girls in class and think 'Man, I wanna bury my face in her lap!'  And the strange thing is it was completely innocent!  I didn't have some evil thoughts about where to go from there.  I just thought that it would be nice!

            I think this is why I have always been a leg man.  I was interested in girls LONG before I even knew what boobs were.  Consequently, you could have the chest of a 12 year old boy and I wouldn't care as long as you had nice legs.  Don't get me wrong; I also enjoy boobs, they're just not a deal breaker.

            It's also why I tend to like younger girls (young, but definitely LEGAL).  When I was ten, I wanted an 18 year old girl in the worst way, when I was 15 I wanted an 18 year old, when I was 18 I wanted an 18 year old, when I was twenty I wanted an 18 year old.  Why would I suddenly want a 50 year old?  People who complain that I should be pursuing women who are more age appropriate should just be glad I'm not banging their cat.