Smoking and Government

I just got back from the reservation where I bought a couple cartons of my favorite smokes, and I've noticed a disturbing trend.  The anti-smoking lobby has invaded even deeper into my turf than I realized.  It used to be the simple 'smoking is bad for you' messages on the side of the pack, in combination with the fact that they can't advertise in any conventional way. They stepped this up by making the messages more colorful and varied, such as 'Smoking will insure that your child is born deformed and you'll never have grandchildren' or  'Look really closely at lasagna some time... that's what your lungs look like now' or 'Cigarettes make you smell so bad even Jenna Jameson won't sleep with you'. Today I noticed that they have taken to adding fliers to the inside of each pack that tell you what a moron you are for doing this, and how, when the liberals are finally in charge, you will be exterminated. I hear rumors that Obama has been considering a law that allows actual pictures of your mother crying to be placed on each pack. They're just trying to find a way to record the individual faces of every smokers mother, so that each smoker gets the right pack and is sufficiently chastised.  Also, the clerk is allowed to slap you.  Is it me? Is it the fact that I'm a (gasp) Republican that makes me feel intruded upon? I would think the government would see that no matter how many restrictions, recriminations, and attempts to shame- this product still outsells everything but Nacho cheese Doritos. Obviously 'free America' enjoys their cigarettes and should be left alone about it! Now I know little about other state governments policies being that I grew up in the peoples republic of New York and have lived here all my life, but is this right? I've visited non 'police state' cities such as Chicago, where bikers don't have to wear helmets, and there are still smoking sections in restaurants. It's almost like the America I remember from childhood, The one which all of the songs were written about.

 My personal feelings about government are simple. Their entire job is to keep the French from deciding what I should be doing. Government is the buffer between the free world and all the assholes out there who didn't have the foresight to be born American. Their job is not to babysit me, it's to keep me free. American government should have two branches; the President, and the Military. The President points his finger and the Military attacks that which was pointed at. War is good for the economy, so we should pick a fight every now and again even when the neighbors are behaving. No one should be allowed to run for the Presidency unless they have had a car on blocks in their front yard at some point. I am so tired of the ensconced 'bred into politics' types who have run this country into the ground. The top dog should be a real person, the kind of guy I wouldn't mind having a beer with. This is why I liked Bush at first, he was a cowboy who messed up his words sometimes. He seemed like a regular guy. I love Sarah Palin because she comes across as a small town civic leader and she shoots moose! I don't want a polished phony, I want someone I can relate to (Not that I go around shooting moose, though I probably would if one were in my living room). The Presidency should be like jury duty- everyone should be required to serve a term... and if they're horrible at it? That's what assasination is for.  State government should be the ones that make the smaller rules to live by, and there should be no more than a dozen of those... just enough so the wheels keep turning. The way things have gone, however, is that every little thing is monitored and it's costing us a fortune. I, sadly, envision a future where this happens;

"Do you understand why I pulled you over?'

'Um, not really officer, I was within the speed limit'

'Your hands weren't on ten and two'

'Yes, sir, they most certainly were! I'm very conscientious about that'

'Looked a lot like nine and three to me, besides you were singing along to the radio'

'It was a slow song!'

'I clocked you at thirty words a minute, son'

Six hundred dollars and a court appointed lawyer later, the authorities are asking my ex-girlfriend if I ever took showers without my mandated helmet.

Random Thoughts From A Broken Mind Cover Design by Bill Dyson

Final cover design for Random Thoughts From A Broken Mind by Bill Dyson.  Cover sketch by Mark McElligott!

Big Words I Know By Heart Radio Interview

     Tom Waters of Doubt-It Publishing interviewed me for my upcoming book; Random thoughts from a broken mind. You can access the interview by clicking;

http://www.mevio.com/episode/274331/episode-58-your-own-personal-white-out   

     Prepare yourself for funny, rude, unapologetic, ruthless, rapid fire, disturbing, and socially unacceptable Q&A. Bad language and worse morals abound as we explore subjects from Masturbation, whether Hulk could beat Jesus, sex with children, Aging, music, and Terry Kimmel... a man who at one time called both Tom and I 'friend'. If he continues to after this one, he's a hell of a good sport! Enjoy!

Spring Appearance Calendar for Random Thoughts From A Broken Mind and Mockery

While these appearances are far from final, here are the events we’re currently looking at for April through June.  When I add more dates, I’ll update this list.  Mark your calendars and get ready to laugh, folks!

Friday April 1st, 7 p.m. to midnight: Mockery Book Launch at Dee’s Firehouse, 4628 Broadway Ave., Depew 651-0711.  Reading and signing at 7 p.m. followed by a live performance by One Hot Minute (Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band) at 8 p.m.  First edition copies of Mockery by Tom Waters available for $15.

Saturday, April 16th, 7 p.m., Mockery Book Signing at Maryan’s, 4921 Broadway, Depew  683-0590.  Live musical performance by David Waters (Whiskey Suicide).

Tuesday, April 26th, 7:30 p.m.  Reading and Signing with author Tom Waters (Mockery) at the Lancaster Public Library, 5466 Broadway, Depew

Saturday, April 30th, 8 p.m. to midnight.  Tom’s Atomic Comic Giveaway! at Don’s Atomic Comics, 6354 Transit Rd., Depew 684-5981.  Buy a copy of Mockery by Tom Waters and get a free back issue.  Midnight madness discounts on graphic novels and collectibles.  Special Guests Josh Tonn (Costumed Crimefighter Comics, Stupid Funny Comics), Mark McElligott (Random Thoughts From A Broken Mind) and Kyle Kaczmarzcyk (The Red Eye, Pulp, Monster Matt’s Bad Jokes Volume I).

Saturday, May 7th, 7 p.m. to 10 p.m., Caz Coffee Café, 668 Abbott Rd., Buffalo 825-7806.  Reading and Signing with Tom Waters, author of the humor collection Mockery.

Thursday, May 19th, 7 p.m., Talking Leaves Books, 3158 Main St., Buffalo 837-8554.  Reading and Signing with Tom Waters, author of the humor collection Mockery.

Saturday, May 21st, 7 p.m. to 11 p.m. Mockery Book Reading and Signing at Stockman’s Tavern (9870 Transit Rd., Depew 688-9896) featuring Tom Waters with live music by musician Chris Squier.

Saturday, June 11th, 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.  Caz Coffee Café, 668 Abbott Rd., Buffalo 825-7806. Reading and Signing with Mark McElligott, author of the humor collection Random Thoughts From A Broken Mind.

Sunday, June 26th, 5 p.m. to 7 p.m.  Doubt It Publishing presents a book reading by Mark McElligott (Random Thoughts From A Broke Mind) and Tom Waters (Mockery) at Rust Belt Books (202 Allen St., Buffalo, 885-9535).  Admission is free, signed first editions of both books available.

Bush

Twice in the last two days the question of feminine grooming has come up in conversations I've had, and I feel it is my duty as an American and a red blooded Male to advance my views on the subject. I come from the era of the 60's and 70's where the Fur Bikini mega bush was all the rage... I live every day in fear that this will one day become popular again. I don't know why anyone would be turned on by a girl who looks like they might be sporting a package in their panties as big as my own, but apparently there are fans. Lets be real for a minute here- you don't want a habitat in your shorts, and that's just what it is. When you grow a tree you better expect some birds to nest in it, so why would you not expect some critters to come enjoy all the vacant housing you've decided to provide? Sex need not become a safari adventure...there are many acceptable options these days;
The Brazillian- My personal favorite. It defines without cluttering. It says; I'm old enough, and I'm also concientious. It's kind of like accessorizing for your fun zone.
The flying V- I get the sense this is a European thing... specifically Teutonic. I don't like them at all, they seem too aggressive. No guy wants to open the prize and find himself staring down an angry ham wallet.
The Topiary- Many cutsey designs like shaping your whisker biscuit into a heart, or a butterfly have been popular... I'm not sure this sends the right message. A guy gets worked up into a lather, chews his way through her panties and then suddenly has to decipher if this means that she is still in girl scouts, or is just mentally handicapped.
Shaved bare- This is a clean look that says; 'it's safe to put your mouth here', but it also suggests you might want to get a second gander at the birth date on her ID.
The Vagazzle- I honestly haven't run across this one in my adventures yet, but it sounds like the sort of job I've been looking for all my life. Apparently Women have taken to having rhinestones and bling glued on to their beav! The danger is that some guy will just stare at his own reflection like in a little disco ball, and forget his primary objective.
Now not all options work for all girls. Some girls like to change their hair color... it's disconcerting to bring a blonde home and find a big dark brown shrub below. Shaved works well for those who like to dye their head fuscia. The Brazillian doesn't work well for heavy girls. I heard one girl say that she was so fat and white that a landing strip made her look like a Beluga whale with a Hitler mustache. The full shave only works if you also shave your legs and tush. I've known girls who shave, but have hair around their wrinkle valve in back... if the only place you don't have hair is your squish mitten, well it just looks like you have mange. Please also consider avoiding Glitter, absorbent powders and or anti-perspirants. Nothing is worse than going from juicy foreplay to arid extra dry mouth instantly... and it must be pretty distracting when your guy starts coughing and it looks like he's been chewing tinsel, spitting little sparkleys into the air like a Vegas party favor. Yes, we all want to smell fresh... I suggest showering first. That really ought to be enough to do the trick. Sometimes the moment comes when you're not prepared. Make that work for you! I was told by a girl i'm in raging lust with, that she wasn't shaved. I told her I'd be happy to shave her legs all the way to her neck for her. I've had a girl shave me too... danger can be sexy, and if she snips you, she feels so bad that she tries harder!
So, in conclusion, don't give up on the landscaping, Ladies... we do appreciate it!

Travelin' Mark

Every comedian has a rant about airport travel... here's mine.
  My company sends me all over the country on restoration jobs. They're usually last minute decisions, so I often find myself on the fly and less than prepared. There are a few constants with air travel that I have come to expect, and more than a few questions I have always had about the process. First of all, my company, in setting up these trips, seems to think I want to be in the air as soon as humanly possible. My flight out of Buffalo is usually at, like, 7:00am, which means I need to be at the airport by 6 at the latest, which means I need to be up at 4:30. WTF?! I do not want to start my day scraping ice off my truck in the damn 8 degree dark! The whole time I'm scraping away, I'm thinking about how tired I am, and how tired the pilots must be... nothing of import should be done before 10 in the morning, because I don't care what you say... you're not awake yet. Standing in the line at security, I will invariably detect the smell of breath so foul it can cause an athiest to believe in hell. I don't even have to look around and identify this person, because it is my fate that this passenger, who obviosly took extra time this morning to eat a breakfast of raw crayfish and a side of garden slugs, will be sitting next to me on my flight. It never fails. I manage to choose the security line that ends up stopped dead because someone who has never done this before didn't understand the procedure. They're standing on one leg like a stork as they take off forty pounds of bling, and unlace knee high fashion boots, and get stopped again when their belt buckle sets off the metal detector. Then it's the cellphone in their pocket. Then it's the loose change they're carrying. Then they didn't put their pastes and lotions into a Ziploc. Now this is one of my questions; What's the big deal with the Ziploc baggies? As I understand it, the Dept. of Homeland Security is concerned that explosives can be hidden in toothpaste, or lotions. What properties of the Ziploc baggie render these dangerous substances innert? I can carry a cellphone, a device with any number of mechanical mysteries. A device that, the pilots will tell you, can affect the GPS of the plane and cause it to veer off course. I can have the cellphone with me on board if I adhere to the honor system and keep it off during flight, but I can't have loose toothpaste?
  Then it's the boarding procedure. I have never had a ticket that had anything but 'Zone 4' printed on it. The planes load by Zones, as any reasonably intelligent person would guess, and of course, the cool kids get to go on first; First class passengers who spent extra money to disdain others, and people with crippling afflictions (Which is God's way of saying stay the hell home, in my opinion) who need assistance, then Zone 1, and so on... but the Zone 3 and 4 people crowd the entrance ramp door like they'll miss the whole trip if they don't storm the damn plane. I'm in no hurry to jam my ass into a tube full of strangers who's breath I'm about to spend the next three hours breathing at thirty thousand feet.
Of course, by the time my social caste has been chosen to take our seats, all of the overheads are filled. There's always some asshole who decided he didn't want to check any of his baggage, and is trying to cram a major appliance in the overhead compartment. It's for purses, not dishwashers you idiot. And there's my seat... between mr. Crayfish and some woman who brought 8 kids under 10 years old. They, of course, are scattered all over the back end of the plane, annoying their alloted group of passengers... none of them remembered their Ritalin this morning. No one should be allowed on any form of public transportation with children under eighteen. This is what station wagons are for. When John F. Kennedy invented the station wagon back in the 60's, and named them 'America's family vacation car', it wasn't just for shit's and giggles. If I ran the airline industry, a gas would be released on each flight that rendered anyone under 18 unconscious, and killed their legal guardian. Then we'd get some rest.
  Of coure, then it's time to hear the on flight instrucions. In the event of a water landing, the seat cushions can be used as a flotation device... sorry, but in the event of a water landing, I'll already be using my seat cushion as a diaper. Then the complexities of the seatbelt are addressed. Anyone who doesn't know how to use a seatbelt is not supposed to survive. it's called 'Natural Selection'. Stop trying to thwart Mother Nature! I was born into this world with the knowledge to work a damn seatbelt, therefore, nature will allow me to reproduce. That's how it works, people.
  Of course, by now my stress and anxiety has reached critical, as I sit, wedged between the breather, and the woman constantly twisting around to give her little hellspawn 'eye signals' to behave. We're, of course, over the wing, so I can't even look past mr. Crayfish and see the wonder of flight below me. All of my ailments (Heart problems, anxiety disorder, weak stomach, and the fact that it's friggin 7am and I'm exhausted) are threatening to overwhelm me, and I've already been 2 hours without a cigarette and the 3 hour flight is just beginning. Mr. Crayfish grips the seat armrest and accidentally pushes my recline button, startling me so badly that as I flip backwards I vomit on my own forehead and the lap of the woman behind me. I have my right elbow driven somewhere between 6 and 8 inches into his left nostril, shouting something unintelligable, when I'm foceably introduced to the Air Marshall.
  I travel to New York City next week... can't wait.

Friends I've met

I've met some interesting people in my life, and I've decided from time to time, here on the blog, I'm going to describe how I met some of them for your enlightenment.
Mikki
I had just left Spencers with my new Ernest Borgnine scratch and sniff poster, when I was accosted by two thugs and dragged into an alley. They duct taped me to a dumpster and began beating me with International Harvester catalogues. Suddenly a voice rang out 'What smells like Ernest Borgnine back here?!' The thugs fled, and Mikki arrived, took advantage of my compromised position for a while, and then cut me loose. We went to my house and watched 'Raising Arizona'. After the movie, she taped me back to the dumpster, and told me; 'If you survive, look me up on Myspace'.

Stephie
I was doing freelance hits for the Cosa Nostra (Italian for 'Nose Car') and had been contracted by Vito 'the lozenge' Romano to whack Frankie 'the inappropriately loud in movie theatres' Potenza. Frankie had made the mistake of pointing out that Vito's girlfriend looked a lot like Tommy Lee Jones. I was moving a little slow do to my recent penile reduction surgery, and by the time I kicked in Frankie's door, I found a young red head had beaten me to the hit. Stephie. She had already scooped out Frankie's head like a candy dish, and she stood over the body with a bloody spork. We looked at each other and laughed. We spent the rest of the night doing each other's makeup and eating candy out of Frankie's head. When I wasn't looking, she tied my shoelaces together and split.

Jamie
I was in Vegas. I had just finished a hot bowl of donut soup, and was using the fountain at the Bellagio as a bidet... the water fountain in the lobby. I looked past the security guards rushing toward me and saw the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on in the casino. This creature was, however, sneaking up on a pretty young woman, so I yelled out; 'Hey, lady- duck!' I saw her escape, just as security dragged me into the men's room and gave me swirly after swirly. All I could think about was the young woman I had saved. Jamie. I called my mother, whom I had not spoken with since the day she super glued me to an Asian guy and tossed me in the pool. 'Mom, I've found her... the one!' She was so excited she divorced her husband and used the alimony checks to buy enough cans of creamed corn to fill her living room knee deep. She then spent the afternoon rolling around and 'swimming' in it. Later, she opened the cans and had a hearty lunch.

My daughter Jesse
One day I was rummaging through her mother...