Dear Mr. and Mrs. McElligott

 Dear Mr. and Mrs. McElligott,

Your son, Mark is adjusting well to the Kindergarten environment in general, but there are a couple things I'd like to address, so that I might have a better understanding as how to best guide him at this earliest stage of his schooling experience. First of all, he's shown a disturbing trend toward looking up the skirts of the little girls in his classroom, trying to kiss them, and even two incidents of inappropriate touching of a teacher's assistant. He is quite frankly the most over sexed child I have ever witnessed in my tenure as a teacher. When reprimanded he just smiles, winks knowingly, and frequently urinates in his trousers. He shows skills in art and music, but can not be made to focus on much else. Please advise as to any medication he may be on, or should be given.

Thank you,

Mrs. Goodman

Kindergarten Teacher

Abraham Lincoln Elementary

Dear Mr. and Mrs. McElligott,

Mark has shown himself to have an above average IQ in tests we give here in second grade, but we can not seem to find that secret motivator to make him focus. He consistently turns in incomplete work or doodles of Batman rather than his assignment. Not many children have managed to build a working electric fence at this age, so we know he is intelligent. He should certainly know where to put a comma in a sentence by now, as well as have a working understanding of simple addition, but alas, it is not the case. When asked why he didn't do his arithmetic work as assigned he responded that he didn't trust numbers. Also troubling is the fact that two of his female classmates are showing signs of morning sickness. We have no way of proving anything at this point, but when asked about the girls' condition he just smiles, winks knowingly, and frequently urinates in his trousers. This young man shows no promise of getting into even a community college.

Thank you,

Mrs. Knight

Second grade Teacher

Abraham Lincoln Elementary

Dear Mr. and Mrs. McElligott,

It's grading time again, and as usual your daughter Amy has been awarded straight A's and B's! She is a delight to have in class and has made many friends. Amy is very conscientious and often asks if she can help around the classroom. We see great things in Amy's future! Your son, Mark, however, is rarely focused, never hands in his assignments, and being a third grader,  really should not be urinating in his pants this often. We suggest you do not allow him to procreate.

Regards,

Mr. Asbury

Third grade Teacher

Abraham Lincoln Elementary

Dear Mrs. McElligott,

We address this letter to you directly because frankly the school administration would rather not have another encounter with your husband. We understand that he disagreed with the teacher's comments during the PTA meeting, but violence is never the answer. If you are interested in bringing flowers or an apology, the visiting hours at the hospital are between 11 am. and 8 p.m.. The Dinkleman family would appreciate the gesture I'm certain. Now, as for Mark; he has been showing great talent in art class, and that is to be commended, but his attitude toward authority is unsettling at best. He told his teacher 'When you can draw as well as me, you can tell me what to draw'. This is not the behavior we expect here at Abraham Lincoln Elementary. Certainly not from a fourth grader. At this rate, how do you ever expect him to get into a good college?

Mr. Teddy

Fourth grade Teacher

Abraham Lincoln Elementary

Ms. McElligott,

Mark is insufferable. He reads at a college level, but writes like he invented language in some remote jungle. His imagination and sense of humor are notable, but correcting his grammar and spelling is actually giving me carpal tunnel syndrome. How is it that he can design a working perpetual motion device and then trash it because he can't figure a way to get girls naked with it? On my latest budget proposal I've had to up my allotment for red pencils a full 30 percent this year! He couldn't put together a readable sentence if I dictated it to him! He took it upon himself to render an anatomically correct and startlingly realistic likeness of one of his female classmates and slip it into my notebook. It took two hours for me to explain to the Principal that I wasn't taking Black and White nude photos of my thirteen year old girl students. I shudder to think of how he got her to pose for this in the first place. Thank god he moves on to Middle school next year. I'm developing a twitch. He will never hang a college degree on his wall.

Mr. Teddy

Fourth grade Teacher

Abraham Lincoln Elementary

Ms. McElligott,

I'm sure congratulations are in order. Divorce is never an easy thing, but our staff breathes a collective sigh of relief regardless. The latest news from the Doctors is that Mr. Dinkleman will be back on solid foods within the next year, and then they can begin teaching him English again. Though Mark no longer attends our institution, and has moved on to Middle School, we frequently see him talking to the young girls on our playground and we are concerned about this behavior. It is our understanding that you have received similar letters of concern from the Catholic School a couple blocks away. Please consider keeping a closer eye on him during his free time, as teen pregnancy rates have climbed startlingly in the township, and several of us suspect your son is to blame. It has been years now, but we still find it unsettling when he smiles at us and urinates in his pants.

Vera Middleton

School Administrator

Abraham Lincoln Elementary

Ms. McElligott,

We are disturbed to hear that your Ex Husband has taken it upon himself to teach your son Mark to box. This is not the best idea. Training a young man with Mark's particular behavioral traits how to be aggressive and formidable is bad enough, but having the training done by a short tempered ex golden gloves boxer is quite troubling to us. Looking at his school records we can see that his relatively good behavior ended at Elementary school, and he is on a bad road. We only hope that he doesn't discover drugs and take it to the next level. We sincerely hope you're putting away a little money from each paycheck as bail will figure heavily into his future.

Sgt. Balletto

Monroe County Police Dept.

Deer Mrss McElliot,

I bizzle the dai I evr met Yer litle spawn Mrak! H e is a blite on nispol brivven and should brun in hel! Pligit desny every day now and for a long tim tooo! Hatehatehate!  he made my datter pregnint dat basht, and I cant no words good nymor.

mr. Dinkleman

Mrs. McElligott,

Congratulations on raising such a witty and intelligent man as your son, Mark! In honor of his celebrity status and the great sales of his book we have voted to give him an honorary doctorate here at Harvard! All of your years of hard work have finally paid off, and you can take your rest knowing you have contributed much in the way of literature.

Respectfully,

Thornton Billingsley

President

Harvard University