Okay, now onto the article (I like to be informative as well as entertaining).
It's common knowledge that I have a thing for younger ladies. The scientific term for this thing is 'penis'. I've always hated the word penis. My God, is there any word that could possibly make it sound smaller and less threatening? Maybe the word 'prick', but even that sounds uncomfortable thanks to tetanus shots. 'You're gonna feel a prick. You'll probably be sore for a couple of days'.
When I hear the word penis, I think of that little flap of skin that hangs from a turkey's neck, or the dangler in the back of your throat. Even the dangler has a more impressive name: Uvula. If I were to say to you 'I'm gonna shove my uvula into you all the way up to my tonsils', you'd know you were in for a pretty hectic evening. But I digress, and I've typed the word penis far too many times, so let's visit the actual subject again shall we?
For whatever reason, I've had an enormous amount of luck with women in their late teens and early twenties. I don't lurk high schools or malls, or in any way initiate these relationships. They just kind of happen. As a man about to turn 50, I've found that there is good deal of finesse involved in keeping pace with the energetic young women of the 21st Century. I forcibly took a crash course in phone texting. My problem is that I HATE abbreviating and LOATHE acronyms, for example, ROFLMAO! And I'm sloooow. Typically I'll get a text from my girl. 'How R U?' And seven more as I respond to the first one. I'll get flustered as I spell out words I have no business using in a text (such as 'ambidextrous'), and I find myself rushing. I hit send, and invariably find myself yelling, 'Oh My God, I forgot the I before E rule! She's gonna think I'm fuckin' stupid!' By the time I send the first response she's already sleeping with someone else. Young girls can make you feel young, but a lot of it's like babysitting.
There are pluses and minuses, and I've decided to tap the benefit of my experience and make a list for those of you considering this lifestyle. A definite plus: you can sneak her into work on bring your daughter to work day. Who'll know, right?
Drawback: Sometimes you have to cancel dinner reservations because she's grounded.
Plus: At Denny's she eats free!
Drawback: She can't go on any of the good rides at Disney Word.
Plus: Sex. I promise you'll learn stuff.
Drawback: Taking her trick or treating is kind of demoralizing. There are others to be sure, but I don't want to take all the fun of discovery from you. Just one last word of warning: turn your phone off at all business meetings because if she has a study hall, she's gonna call you.
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