Yesterday my daughter told me about a couple of news stories she heard recently that made her wonder about the human condition and how far it's fallen. Apparently, a man was caught having sexual relations with a cow and was arrested for animal cruelty. As you might guess, I've got a couple thoughts about this. Could a case be made that the cow was asking for it by walking around in that leather outfit with her teats hanging out all the time? I would think a savvy lawyer can clear this guy on that fact alone. A good lawyer could at least get the charges reduced. Animal cruelty? Really? Have you ever seen a bull's package?! Animal disappointment is more likely. In fact, unless the cow is currently reading this article, my guess is she isn't even aware she was raped.
Thanks to Michael Vick, we have established precedent for how this should be handled. The farmer (I assume he was a farmer and not just stalking cows randomly) will not be allowed to play in the NFL from now on, and is never allowed to work in a supermarket deli. Petting Zoos are also a no-no.
The other news story was strikingly similar, but it involved a young man and a small dog. I won't go into details here because I don't have a vomit guard for my keyboard, but suffice it to say, after reviewing these stories I've come to the conclusion that women aren't keeping their end of the bargain. Face it, the only thing that can drive a man into lusting after livestock is women completely dropping the ball so to speak.
The problem is that they love to look sexy. A woman who has no interest in having physical relations with you will get up early to doll up. They apply lipstick and mascara, eye liner, blush, they fuss with their hair for hours, they bathe in scented body oils and perfume and they wear something that accentuates their cleavage, legs, and butts. They smile flirtatiously and sometimes they even wag their asses on purpose. They have absolutely no interest in you whatsoever. They just enjoy watching you squirm, knowing you'll spend too much time in the bathroom after they walk away. So a guy who has been exposed to this daily finally says to himself, 'I need something soft and warm now. Ooh! The neighbor has a Pomeranian!' I'll never resort to bestiality, though, mainly because I'm big into foreplay and can't imagine kissing a cow, much less sucking on the inside of her thigh.
All my life I've had an addiction to the female of the species (my species) and I do mean all my life. For example, when I was around two years old my mother caught me standing in the back yard completely naked flirting with the woman who lived behind us. I was up against our back fence flaunting my equipment and saying 'Hey baby!' I was two! The protection order was finally lifted earlier this year.
When I was five or six, I was in my back yard with Michelle (a girl who lived across the street). We were bored and she said: "What do you want to do?" I said: "I know! How about you pee on that brick?' It was my subtle and shrewd way to get her pants off. So she peed on the brick for me. Michelle was a good sport.
When I was seven, the other boys in the neighborhood wanted to play baseball, trucks, or army. I was in the garage attic with Valerie. We were just standing there staring at each other with our clothes off, which is still more fun than trucks any day of the week.
I never understood why in first grade I would just stare at the girls in class and think 'Man, I wanna bury my face in her lap!' And the strange thing is it was completely innocent! I didn't have some evil thoughts about where to go from there. I just thought that it would be nice!
I think this is why I have always been a leg man. I was interested in girls LONG before I even knew what boobs were. Consequently, you could have the chest of a 12 year old boy and I wouldn't care as long as you had nice legs. Don't get me wrong; I also enjoy boobs, they're just not a deal breaker.
It's also why I tend to like younger girls (young, but definitely LEGAL). When I was ten, I wanted an 18 year old girl in the worst way, when I was 15 I wanted an 18 year old, when I was 18 I wanted an 18 year old, when I was twenty I wanted an 18 year old. Why would I suddenly want a 50 year old? People who complain that I should be pursuing women who are more age appropriate should just be glad I'm not banging their cat.
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