Friends I've met

I've met some interesting people in my life, and I've decided from time to time, here on the blog, I'm going to describe how I met some of them for your enlightenment.
Mikki
I had just left Spencers with my new Ernest Borgnine scratch and sniff poster, when I was accosted by two thugs and dragged into an alley. They duct taped me to a dumpster and began beating me with International Harvester catalogues. Suddenly a voice rang out 'What smells like Ernest Borgnine back here?!' The thugs fled, and Mikki arrived, took advantage of my compromised position for a while, and then cut me loose. We went to my house and watched 'Raising Arizona'. After the movie, she taped me back to the dumpster, and told me; 'If you survive, look me up on Myspace'.

Stephie
I was doing freelance hits for the Cosa Nostra (Italian for 'Nose Car') and had been contracted by Vito 'the lozenge' Romano to whack Frankie 'the inappropriately loud in movie theatres' Potenza. Frankie had made the mistake of pointing out that Vito's girlfriend looked a lot like Tommy Lee Jones. I was moving a little slow do to my recent penile reduction surgery, and by the time I kicked in Frankie's door, I found a young red head had beaten me to the hit. Stephie. She had already scooped out Frankie's head like a candy dish, and she stood over the body with a bloody spork. We looked at each other and laughed. We spent the rest of the night doing each other's makeup and eating candy out of Frankie's head. When I wasn't looking, she tied my shoelaces together and split.

Jamie
I was in Vegas. I had just finished a hot bowl of donut soup, and was using the fountain at the Bellagio as a bidet... the water fountain in the lobby. I looked past the security guards rushing toward me and saw the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on in the casino. This creature was, however, sneaking up on a pretty young woman, so I yelled out; 'Hey, lady- duck!' I saw her escape, just as security dragged me into the men's room and gave me swirly after swirly. All I could think about was the young woman I had saved. Jamie. I called my mother, whom I had not spoken with since the day she super glued me to an Asian guy and tossed me in the pool. 'Mom, I've found her... the one!' She was so excited she divorced her husband and used the alimony checks to buy enough cans of creamed corn to fill her living room knee deep. She then spent the afternoon rolling around and 'swimming' in it. Later, she opened the cans and had a hearty lunch.

My daughter Jesse
One day I was rummaging through her mother...